New Question sent into me today! This is a very common dilemma, and I think most people experience it once in their life time. Also I think it’s a lot more common for men than women. Sometimes you meet someone who seems nice, but there’s no fireworks. You start dating them and they are the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend. You like spending time with them. They make you laugh. Everything is comfortable. But your heart doesn’t skip a beat. There are no butterflies in your stomach. What do you do?
This situation reminds me a lot of the “Friend-zone” only that friend has stepped out of the zone and has instead started dating you. Sometimes it happens when the two of you have known each other for a long time, you’ve both had a bad run at relationships and realise the person you spend the most time with is, well each other. So you think, yeah why not? Why didn’t I think of this earlier?
— But it doesn’t work out. You realise you know each other a little too well. Small things that have never bothered you before bother you now. You start judging them on their appearance . You feel like they make no effort. Or too much. But you’re worried you’ll lose your friendship if you break things off.
You see a cute girl at the coffee shop/ bar/ public space. Your eyes meet, she smiles, you smile, and somehow fate has decided that the two of you need to meet. She’s so cute, very girl-next door, likes animals and just seems like one of those good people that are main characters in family films. God, she’s be an amazing housewife.
— She’s kind of boring. You don’t even like cross-stitch. She’s also really conservative in bed, can’t even imagine bringing up anal. Or doggy style for that matter. Somehow, she’s just so nice, that you feel guilty thinking lustful thoughts and getting a boner seems more like habit than actual reaction.
Oh she is so hot. SO HOT. She’s the girl you’ve always wanted in highschool. She’s the girl that every boy wanted in high school. She has the body of a playboy bunny, and the sex-drive of a nympho. Somehow she’s decided YOU’RE her next meal. She’s the kind that slips her panties off at the dinner table and gives it to the waiter to to give to you. All your friends are jealous.
— But you’re just not into her. She looks better on high-res printed paper. You like the envious looks guys give you when you’re out with her, but she’s such a pillow princess you realise you’ve never actually seen her without make up on. What is wrong with you damnit??
Now I don’t like giving “yes/no” answers for dating advice. Each situation is different, each relationship with it’s own dynamic. However in this case, I would say 95% of the time to end it. Relationships are tricky things. They require balance, compromise, understanding and honesty. The honesty part isn’t just for their sake, it’s for your sake too.
If you have no attraction to your partner, no matter how nice and perfect they are, things just won’t work out. You think maybe you can grow to love them, it’s been known to happen. But you’re gambling your time on something that’s probably not going to happen there. You are wasting your time and their time, and the longer you keep it up for, the more it hurts when it falls apart.
You might try doing kinkier things, spice up your dead bedroom. Maybe that works. But fundamentally, if you’re not attracted to the person, there is very little you can do about it. Forcing, or tricking yourself into it isn’t good for anyone.
I hate to be so negative, but being on the receiving side, it’s the best thing to do for the both of you. Life can be so short, full of emotions. We should all strive for happiness, and one of the biggest and best forms of happiness is finding love.
You deserve to be with that person that makes your heart skip. The person who your tummy does backflips for. These feelings aren’t reserved for teenage girls! They’re for everyone! The person who’s going to kiss you when your upside-down spiderman style after a drunken costume party. The person who’s going to look beautiful first thing in the morning and make you late for work.
And things might not work out in the long run for that person also, but you’ll look back and you won’t regret the time you spent with them at least.