Recently my twitter feed has been filled with amazing screenshots of my anal scene with Luna Rival, and that’s brought up the interesting topic of “How do I ask for anal sex?” 

It’s a well known fact that anal sex between heterosexual couples has been on the rise for the past few years. Whether this is due to the impact of porn, which the UK government certainly believes and you can read up on here, or because society as a whole are becoming less prudish is debatable. Either way, more people are interested in experience anal sex and bringing the topic up can be a tricky territory to navigate.

Despite what porn might show you, not every single girl you meet is going to beg you to stick it up her bum. Also contrary to popular opinion of The Cut Magazine, it’s not the black of liquorice of sex. It’s not a matter of loving it or being disgusted by it, like all sex acts, people can feel all shades between love and hate towards anal sex.

This means that when it comes to wanting to try anal sex with your partner, you shouldn’t ever assume that she’s going to either love it or hate it. She might love it, she might hate it, she might not mind it, or she might not have ever even tried it. Keep this in mind when you bring the topic up.

How do you bring up the topic of anal sex? My advice would be to do it casually, but in private. By bringing it up casually, perhaps in bed one night before sleeping, or on the sofa whilst watching TV, you can get a feel for your partner’s overall reaction to the idea of anal sex. Your approach after this will depend on whether she looks disgusted by the idea, or if she answers back approval just as casually.

The great thing about this approach is that if she doesn’t like the idea of anal sex, you can brush it off as a random question, so she doesn’t feel guilty or pressured. It’s also a great if she does like the idea because you’ve managed to bring the topic up without building it into a big deal that it needs to be.

If she answers that yes, she’s totally into anal sex, then you can keep that in mind next time you have sexy times. Sarah Jane Banaham comments in GQ that it can be very erotic to whisper in your partner’s ear as your intimate that you want to penetrate them anally.

What she fails to mention however is that if your partner isn’t interested in anal sex, finding that out as you’re trying to put your penis in her asshole is really the worst possible time. Surprises are sexy. Unwanted surprise butt sex is not sexy, it can be considered sexual assault.

She also fails to mention the absolute importance of lube, saying instead:

“In the early stages you may not be able to go as deep as you like without lubrication, but once she’s acclimatised she’ll arch her back and let you go into her a little more.”

Whilst some of what Miss Banaham says in the article could be helpful, I find that most of it can be more harmful. The bum does not produce natural lubrication like the vagina does, and anal tearing is not a fun way to lubricate yourself. So remember, when it comes to anal sex, lube lube lube. 

So what do you do if your partner doesn’t show an interest in anal sex, but you still really want to try it? The most important thing in this situation is to be open about your feelings to her. You should bring up the topic not casually, but also not super seriously. Instead you can say something such as “You know how I mentioned anal sex the other time? I’m actually really interested in trying it.”

From there, you should be able to get a conversation started on the topic. You should explain to her your feelings and why you want to try it. Talk about how sexy you find it, how you’re interested in trying a new area, how her ass drives you crazy. Be positive and show that it can be an intimate as well as erotic thing to do.

Of course, you should also listen to her side of things. I know that before I had ever tried anal sex, I was curious about it but also quite scared of it. You should talk through any fears or insecurities she has about it, and together decide on a plan of action. For instance, introducing small butt plugs into your sex life can be a great way to spice things up, as well as get her used to anal penetration on something smaller first.

If she is really adamantly against it, then there’s very little you can do. What you shouldn’t do is try to guilt her into accepting, or otherwise put pressure on her to do it in the future, against her own personal preference. Imagine if roles were reversed and the topic was about her pegging you, if you don’t want to do it, then no amount of guilt or pressure should let her shove a dildo up your ass.

Finally, always try to remember that sex should be fun, intimate and pleasurable. Anal sex isn’t an xbox achievement waiting to be unlocked, or a new bragging right for you and your mates. You don’t have to take it slow (although that’s my advice for newbies!) but both partners should always feel completely comfortable and ready.