One of the biggest reasons for couples to divorce is because they no longer have a physical relationship. Dead bedrooms kill marriages. How can you avoid falling into the dead bedroom trap, and save your marriage? Slow sex might be the answer.
Humans have two ways of enjoying sex. One involves the release of adrenaline, whilst the other is based on oxytin. Adrenaline sex is fast paced, exciting and also risky. Oxytin sex is slow, safe and comforting. The two are contradictory, but only by balancing them can you work out a sustainable long term sex life with your partner.
The adrenaline sex is easy to explain. When you meet someone new, there’s excitement of discovering and exploring a new body. There’s thrill and risk from not knowing if it’ll be good or not. The mystery and newness of your partner drives the sex. I’m sure we’ve all experienced this, especially when we’ve just met someone new.
People often consider the quality of this adrenaline sex to be the standard between you and your partner. They think “This is the best our sex is. This is the benchmark.” When in reality, that new, exciting sex isn’t going to be sustainable. When the newness fades, people start getting edgy. They believe their sex life is getting worse.
It’s not getting worse. It’s just changing. In a long term relationship, things change. For one thing, you both come to discover your true sex drives. At the start of a relationship, both parties are inevitably going to want a lot more sex. As you settle into a long term relationship, your true libidos come through, and you discover if they’re similar or not.
The sex drive is also affected by outside factors, such as stress and environment. Your sex drive also changes as you get older, when your hormone production changes along with other things in your body. All of these factors show why it’s unrealistic to expect the type of sex you have at the very start of your relationship to continue on throughout a long term relationship.
Oxytocin is often referred to by doctors as the “cuddle hormone”. It’s released when we touch, hug, and even when we’re in the fetal position. It’s part of the reason why we bond to people. When we have sex, we make a lot of oxytocin, and it’s through this that we remember things like how our partner touches us, or how they smell. It has the same effect as dopamine for making you feel good, although it takes longer to be released.
Oxytocin makes you feel closer to your partner. It makes you feel happy, bonded and safe. Because it takes longer to be released, you need to take more time with sex. Tantric sex techniques, which focuses on bonding and closeness, will help with this. The idea is to really savour your partner, taking in as much as you can about them.
Deciding to have slow sex can be hard. We often think of sex as something impulsive and exciting. It doesn’t feel as sexy to plan it out in advance. Yet for a proper slow sex session, you’ll both need to know you have plenty of time to leisurely enjoy each other’s bodies.
Start by simply looking into each others eyes. You can be fully clothed for this part. It’s a lot harder to stare someone in the eyes than most people realise. You might feel uncomfortable and awkward at first, but truly looking at each other greatly increases feelings of closeness. There’s a sort of venerability when you let someone look at you in the eyes, and so you’re showing your partner that you trust them, and they show they trust you in return.
When it comes to slow sex, explore parts of the body you normally skip over. The hands and feet are two parts that can be very sensitive when caressed properly. The wrist for instance, is considered an erogenous zone. Really spend time exploring your partner’s body, feeling their reactions. You have all the time in the world. Lightly stroke the sensitive area behind the knees or in the crook of the elbow. Pay attention to the neck and shoulders. Nibble on highly sensitive ears.
You should also let your partner explore your body. Spend as long as your like exploring each other together. The orgasm isn’t the aim here, it’s more about the journey. You want to try and increase touch, and release as much oxytocin as possible. It might not feel very exciting when you start, but done correctly, it feels just as pleasurable as adrenaline based sex, and also brings you a lot closer to your partner in the long term.
For married couples, or couples in long term relationships, it’s this type of sex that will help keep your relationship going in the bedroom. Once the newness and excitement dies down, it’s good to build something safe and comforting in it’s place. You can still have fast paced sex. The difference is, you’re no longer relying on those sessions.
It’s partly a frame of mind. Instead of letting sex become a routine, you make it a comfort. By letting go of the notion of how sex is meant to be based on your first experiences in a relationship, you accept change and work towards understanding how your bodies interact. By mixing this up with the occasional quickie, you’ll be able to create a sustainable and satisfying sex life.
For beginners, why not try and spend an evening giving your partner a sensual massage, and letting them give you one in return? It’s an easy, and erotic way to dive into exploring each other’s bodies slowly.