How to make a great sex tape!

Welcome to Harriet’s guide on “How to make a great sex tape!” – I figured it’s about time I do one of these, now that I have nearly 6 months worth of experience to my name! If you want to go ahead and make full blown porn, this guide might be a bit amateurish and you should find better resources.

Step 1: Get permission from your girlfriend! 

– With successful franchises such as “Paranormal Activity” it may be appealing to set up secret cameras around your house (and bedroom) however my advice is to get your girlfriend’s permission before you start filming her. This ensures everyone is happy and you’re less likely to get a 1000year old demon haunting you. Or worse, a lawyer.

Step 2: Find something to record with.

– You may be tempted to use your mobile phone’s video app, however you might as well use a potato. Phone’s are great for taking nude selfies, however can be hard to balance for recording, and unless you get the iphone6+ with it’s stabilising lens technology, it’s going to be one shaky ass video. The wrong kind of shaky ass too. It’s therefore much more practical to just buy yourself a camcorder and tripod, which are cheaper and smaller than the new iphone. A tip is to look for one with a good inbuilt micro-phone because people always forget to check that.

Step 3: Lighting

– People often don’t take into account how important lighting is for making sex tapes. I find that daylight is the best, so do it in the daytime. You should be facing the window so that the light is shining onto you and not behind you. The other option is to have your lights on at night or use lighting kits. Daylight has by far given me the best results, although I get weird looks from my neighbours. If this happens, just wink at them and continue. If you’ve missed out on the daylight and realise florescent lightbulbs makes you look hideous (and trust me, it does) you can see if there is a night-vision mode on your video camera. Night vision mode is great for when you have trouble with lighting, but just remember everything is going to end up looking green.

Step 4: Make your girlfriend look hot

– It’s very important that your girlfriend looks appealing in this video. The camera isn’t nice to anyone, so even if she were Scarlett Johansson you need to cover her with make up and sexy clothing. It might actually help to go shopping with her for sexy lingerie because after buying her stuff, she’s more likely to agree to make a sex tape with you! Two birds with one stone! Don’t go too crazy on the make-up either. Make up on camera is a very narrow line of not enough or too much, but with practice you’ll be fine.

Step 5: Write a plot

– Everyone knows people watch porn for the plot. It’s actually really, really important that you plan what’s going to happen in your video. Maybe not do the “plumber came to fix my pipes” routine, but it can be fun to have some story. More importantly though is to decide what you’re going to do in the video. You should plan out what sexual positions you are going to use, where the camera needs to be to capture it properly, and of course how it’s going to end.

Step 6: Get into the mood

– Bust out the bottle of wine and put on the romantic music! It can be easy to say you’re going to make a sex tape, but when it comes down to it, everyone gets a little nervous. There’s nothing wrong with getting drunk and having a bit of fun. Just to clarify though, this should be done AFTER step 1! Make sure you ask for permission BEFORE getting your girlfriend drunk!

Step 7: Start recording

– This sounds stupid but there have been times I’ve forgotten to press the record button, or not checked to make sure the camera was actually recording. So when you’re all ready, all sexy and what not, make sure to hit the record button. You can film some stuff first just to get the hang of it, then you can cut it out in the editing stage.

Step 8: Money Shot

– One of THE most important parts of making the sex tape is to get the money shot! This is the part everyone looks forward to. There’s loads of different ways of doing it, all from the angle you film and the place you decide to jizz over. Too many times have I accidentally swallowed the semen whilst giving a blowjob instead of letting it spray all over my face.

Step 9: Clean up & Edit

– Clean up. Hygiene is super important! Then when you are clean you can go about putting the files onto your computer and editing it. Cut out parts you don’t like, add a funky music sound track (although I advise only for the intro) and maybe even make some credits at the end.

Step 10: DON’T PUT IT ON THE INTERNET WITHOUT PERMISSION!

– You really have to get permission from all parties involved if you plan on putting your sex tapes on the internet. Otherwise you’ll be facing the same consequences of Step 1. Remember, once it’s on the internet, it’s there forever.