Ask a Domme: is my interracial porn fetish racist?

Verity Strict is a professional dominatrix and TV babe-show girl from the UK. In her weekly column ‘Ask a Domme’ Verity is our saucy agony aunt. She will navigate you through the mysterious world of kink, help you with your relationship problems and be there to answer any questions you’ve always wanted to throw at a real life femdom.

To see more of Verity Strict you can catch her on XXXpanded TV in the UK or online here if you’re somewhere else. Follow Verity on social media too. Instagram, Twitter.

I want to watch my girlfriend have sex with another man, but she doesn’t want to. She even thinks it could harm our relationship. How do I convince her otherwise? I thought she would be happy to have permission to have sex with another man.

Scott, Florida, USA

Cuckolding, in the very basic sense, refers to the fetish of wanting your partner to have sex with other people. Some cuckolds enjoy watching, others enjoy being mocked at the same time, some want to completely finance an affair, and others want to ‘clean up’ afterwards.

It is a broad fetish and can be a lot of fun between consenting partners who are willing to manage the fallout of including another person in their relationship, as we all know that can be messy.

However, you don’t have consent from your girlfriend. Your girlfriend has declined the offer to sleep with another man, and guess what? No means no.

While in your book, the option to sleep with another person might be thrilling, it clearly isn’t for her. No amount of chocolates, flowers or guilt tripping can be used to bribe her into thinking otherwise.

She’s even given you a reason for saying no, stating that she believes it will harm your relationship. The fact is if she believes that, it will harm your relationship, regardless of your stance on it, because her feelings and opinions factor into your relationship too.

I am guessing that a cuckolding scenario would leave her feeling guilty if she enjoyed it, or used if she didn’t.

If you absolutely must reach a compromise, maybe try talking dirty about it in the bedroom, but tread carefully. I am sure your girlfriend loves to keep you happy in the bedroom, but you run the risk of being kicked out of the bedroom completely if you make her feel uncomfortable. After all she’s a human being, and not a sex doll.

Since I’ve been single I’ve been seeing more than one guy, nothing serious. One guy I see is very dominant. And he has so many girls he sees. Thing is, I really like him. How do I get him to stop seeing the other girls and only see me?

Adele, London, UK

This has less to do with your love interest being dominant, and more to do with becoming exclusive. If you really like this guy, you have to lay your cards on the table and tell him. Explain that you’d like your relationship to become exclusive.

If he is down for that, then hurrah, you’re a winner. If he tells you where to go, then return to the loving arms of your other paramours, maybe shed a lone tear, and get over him.

However, before I get ahead of myself, I have presumed that a) you want to be in a committed relationship and b) you want to stop seeing other guys to commit to this chap that you’ve got it bad for.

If that’s the case, then that’s damn skippy, but it would be terribly unfair of you to stop this guy from seeing other people if you are unwilling to do the same and put in an equal level of commitment. That’s just plain old possessiveness.

And now, to burst your bubble well and truly. I have been in a a series of ‘casual’ relationships myself, where I was aware that the individual I was seeing and painfully, really into was seeing other people.

That person knew that I knew it too. In those situations, that person rarely wants to settle into an exclusive relationship with just one person. Their playing the field and potential promiscuity is screaming that they aren’t ready for it.

The pessimistic, burned woman in me wants to warn you that you might not get the response that you would like to hear, but be brave and give it a shot. You might surprise a cynical yet.

I am a white man. Is it wrong that I only watch interracial porn, my girlfriend says my fetish is racist?

Tony, Phoenix, USA

The porn industry is systematically racist.

The term Interracial porn is a bit of a misnomer. In theory, this genre should be referring to a scene where actors from differing ethnic backgrounds are working together, regardless of their ethnicity. That is not the case. The term interracial refers to black male actors having sex with white women.

It is 2017, and still people of colour in the porn industry (and beyond) are paid less than their white counterparts. Some producers and agents choose to inform white female performers that doing an interracial scene will harm their career, but a white female performer can still benefit from this prejudice as she is able to charge more for her first interracial scene.

“But I’m not racist,” I hear you cry, “I enjoy watching black men having sex with white women, it’s not like I’m disgusted or anything, what’s the problem?”

The problem is that this type of porn perpetuates certain racial stereotypes and maintains that relationships and sex between people of colour and white people are taboo.

People of colour are portrayed as exotic in porn, and maitaining this level of otherness is harmful. Calling someone exotic reduces someone down to the colour of their skin and sexualises them based on this, which is wrong as there are multiple things that make somebody who they are.

So is interracial porn racist? Until this type of porn stops portraying black men as a taboo sexual experiment to liberate the untapped desires of white people then yes indeed, it is.

My wife and I are neither submissive or dominant. We’re pretty vanilla. I’d like to see her take charge more to try something different. How do I encourage her and give her the confidence to be more dominant?

Gary, Columbus, USA

How about the two of you take a romantic excursion to a sex shop? Encourage her to choose something to bring into the bedroom, whether it’s a new toy or something sexy for her to wear, and praise her like mad for it.

When you get home to do the deed, start really slow as this is something you have never done before. Perhaps tell her that you would like her to direct what you should do to her, and the whole purpose of tonight is to please her.

When she gives you some instructions, again make sure to tell her how sexy it is that she is taking charge of the situation. Tell her that you would like her to be in control.

People get nervous when trying out new things as they don’t want to be put down for getting things wrong. Sex is the most nerve-wracking thing to ‘get wrong’ as it is really embarrassing and you clearly want to make your partner happy.

So get vocal about the good stuff. If you respond positively when she’s trying something out, she’ll be reassured that you’re into it to and she’ll come out of her shell.

Careful what you wish for though, all this praise for taking charge and she might take a leaf out of my book and become very fond of chasing you with a riding crop.

Where can I get good quality fetish clothes on a budget? The stuff in my local sex-shop is too tacky but the high-end stuff is way out of my price range.

Ayoob, Coventry, UK

Frustratingly, when it comes to fetish gear, good quality and budget are terms that rarely go together. Designers and manufacturers know that this is is a niche market and they charge accordingly.

The secret to buying fetish gear on a budget is timing. Digital auction sites such as eBay offer plenty of fetish gear in leather, PVC or latex.

Used items tend to be cheaper, so provided you thoroughly clean your purchase, your perverted self and your bank balance will be very happy. New items are also available, and plenty of indie retailers sell their wares using eBay which can be nice if you’re looking for something unique and like to support smaller businesses.

My favourite fetishwear is latex clothing, so my secret to kitting myself out without splashing too much cash is the Libidex summer sale. Granted, we still aren’t talking bargain bin prices, but if you want some higher end fetish clothing pieces in your closet without having to take out a second mortgage, this is the sale for you.

Along with the regular reductions during the sale, Libidex also have a daily flash sale on on selected item so if you check back every day you could find yourself a real bargain.

To keep yourself in the loop for when sales are about to go live, sign up to a couple of mailing lists for a few fetish clothing websites. Happy shopping.