Funny sex stories are aplenty out there. From people having their parents walk in on them having sex, to unknowingly sticking your dick in the wrong hole while you were drunk — guilty — sex stories provide a bit of humor to the whole thing, reminding us that it should be a good time and not too stressful.
While we’ve all (probably) got a funny sex story or three, F’ed up masturbation stories aren’t so common. It’s not to say we don’t have them, it’s just that we don’t seem to be as willing to share them with our buddies — mainly because masturbation is still a bit taboo to talk about with other people.
Still, just because we’re not talking about embarrassingly funny masturbation stories to each other, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Lucky for us, some brave souls shared their odd experiences on Reddit, and, man, we’re really glad they did it for our enjoyment.
- “Jacked off with hand soap that had tiny little beads in it. Not sure if the beads caused it or something in the soap, but the day after, my dick looked like it belonged in a burn ward. It was horrible; blood-red in most spots and pink in the other. I could pee fine but the slightest touch would cause my body to tense up because it was so tender. I could barely walk and I was young and too embarrased to tell my mom. After a few days of hiding and dealing with horrible pain and having a dick that looked like it belonged to Freddy Krueger, my dick literally began to molt. My dick was COVERED in dry, cracked skin that peeled off in huge chunks (like a really bad sunburn). It took a week or two to finally get better and, luckily, I didn’t have any lasting cosmetic damage.”
- “One time in the shower, 13 yr old me thought it would be a good idea to stuff my limp dick into the slippery and tight neck of a shampoo bottle. Well it felt good for about 3 seconds, Then the hard plastic rim of the shampoo bottle didn’t give despite my flesh expanding. In panic and shame I stood in the shower, paralyzed by indecision and fear, until the hot water ran out and cold water freed me from the stalwart grip of the plastic horror. Also the soap burned my pee hole.”
- “I came on my mom’s dildo at the home computer in full view of the front door to late 2000’s Brazzer balloon-boob, double-dildo lesbian porn as my mom herself burst in the front door. It was in the years of high school when my little brother was in after-school care and I had roughly 50 minutes of golden lusty alone time between coming home from school and my mom arriving home from work, but she came home early that day. My moaning was too loud to hear an SUV roll up the gravel the driveway just outside the office area. My tab count was higher than the white blood cells in a leukemia patient, and I’m pretty sure I was utilizing the induced gang bang effect of having multiple tabs playing videos at once. I always found real gang bang noises to be too forced, so I’d play several videos at once with good audio of real orgasms and coitus pleasures… I was a little fortunate to have been in my silent-orgasm-deep-breathing-experimenting stage following another fucked up over-hearing incident from me in the shower and thinking I was the only one home. So though my face was contorted, lower half naked with an immensely-cut borrowed purple dildo gripped in my pulsing cervix, in a matter of milliseconds I managed to cum, guide my pleasure-induced claw hand to mouse-click the browser ‘X’, pull my blanket up around my wobbly lower half as I stood, and give a big, enthusiastic, “Hey Ma what are YOU doing HOME!?<3?!” faux greeting without her ever being aware of what was happening just before and as she entered the premise. I also managed to clean the dildo, dry it, and return it before she noticed that day, too.”
- “My grandpa was in the hospital with a brain tumor. We had visited him that day, but he didn’t have much time left. I was maybe 17 or 18 years old, and *after we got home at 1 am I did what every teen does and whipped it out. Now I’m sitting on my bed, hoping to bust it into the trashcan, when I hear my dads door open across the hall. I jump underneath my comforter, hoping to cover myself up before he gets to my room, I can hear his footsteps coming at faster than normal speeds. I was on my side in “fake sleep” position when my dad opens the door, his face covered in tears. His voice breaks and he says “he’s gone.” He walks over to me and just hugs me tight, meanwhile my deflating dong is (thank God still covered by thick Egyptian cotton comforter) but right between us. After about a full 2 minute hug, he let’s me go and leaves to tell my brother.”
- “There was an earthquake and I legit had no idea because I was masturbating so couldn’t tell the room was shaking.”
- “Went to a friends house and i didn’t know anything about masturbation. He then got on his bed and i slept on the floor and he proceeded to rub one out. Before this he taught me how to jerk off, and we then proceeded to jerk off together. Probably the weirdest moment of my life. Me and that friend dont talk anymore.”
- “Masturbating in the shower at age 14 (female) when I thought I had the house to myself. I decided to try to moan more and experiment with that. It got loud and ridiculous because that’s just who I am sometimes. My dad came home and I didn’t notice until after I got out of the shower. He was all “I heard some really weird noises from the bathroom. Are you okay?” “There was a spider in there and it scared me.” Nooooo. Pretty sure I experienced my first orgasm, and my dad heard it.”
To see the full thread of wild masturbation stories, head on over to Reddit. We promise you they’ll make you feel better about your next yank sesh.
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