I’m sure more than a few of us have experienced post break-up sex. Sometimes it can be a nice way to end things, a sort of goodbye sex. Now a few others may have had the occasional hook up with an ex, one or two nights here or there. You’re not getting back together, but hey, you’re both single and free to do what you like right? So when does it turn from the occasional hook-up to you not being able to find anyone else. We all start to ask ourselves “How do I stop sleeping with my ex?

First we need to ask ourselves how exactly do we feel about our ex.

Do we:

  1. Still have strong feelings for them? (If they broke up with us)
  2. Only have sexual feelings towards them?
  3. Feel very angry towards them?
  4. Like them platonically only?

Depending on how you feel about your ex, it gives different reasons as to why you might be sleeping with them again.

If you have strong feelings towards them still then there might perhaps still be a part of you that is hoping you will get back together. After all you are sleeping together. The other party might not feel that way towards you though, they might have different reasons for sleeping with you and this will inevitably lead you to being hurt from the situation.

If you have only sexual feelings towards them, then maybe you’re not able to give up the sex that is readily available. You find it easy to sleep with them, knowing that you don’t owe them any emotional commitment and you’re both having fun, both as adults knowing exactly what the arrangement expects. Often however these arrangements aren’t discussed properly and it can leave you and your partner on different pages, and the miscommunication can lead to drama down the road.

If you’re someone that feels angry towards your ex and you’re sleeping with them, it probably means you still have a lot of unresolved issues. You’re angry because you feel that a lot hasn’t been said, that you were wronged in some way. The sex helps get rid of the frustrations, and you’ll admit you do still feel something for your ex. However it’s not healthy and won’t lead to anything good in the long term if you don’t try and communicate with your ex.

Finally you could be feeling completely platonic towards your ex but you still end up sleeping with them. This could come out of feelings of pity. Often it comes from feeling lazy though, thinking that your ex is an easy safety net. A lot of people also use this as an ego boost, to prove that they are still desirable. The fact is that when you become single it can be hard to imagine yourself with someone else again, and it’s hard to get used to the idea of someone new. Your ex and you have memories and there’s a certain safety with that.

At the end of the day though, no matter which reason it is for you sleeping with your ex, it is a bad idea. On the off chance both of you still have strong feelings towards each other and want to get back together, there are still a lot of unresolved issues that caused you to break up in the first place. If these things haven’t been resolved then getting back together won’t work. If you simply sleep together and say you’re not back together, it can hold you back from moving on and finding someone else.

Angry sex is obviously not a long term solution to anything, and it often causes the two people involved to burn out pretty fast. It’s a volatile situation that will make you feel horrible and hate yourself afterwards. There is however also a thrill and a high that can be gained from this can be addictive. Some people get hooked to the drama and the action, but again, it’s not a long term solution. It can’t support itself and in the end it will be self destructive.

You have to remember that you’re worth something. You have to value yourself and you have to value your happiness. If you don’t think that there is a good chance that you can get back with your ex and fix the problems that you had before, continuing to sleep with them can only hold you back from moving on. It can feel hard and scary, because we like what we know and what feels safe. It can be hard to put yourself out there in the world of singles and rejection.

But you have to imagine finding a person who you will be happier with, who you’ll want to be with and who you think is the one that’s going to make you happy. You have to think if that’s the person you want, or if you simply want the status quo. By deciding on what makes you happy, you have to follow the path that will do that.

Sometimes it’s as easy as saying “I can’t sleep with you anymore” and sometimes it’s more forceful like deleting all contact. Only you will know what it will take for you to move on and not fall to temptation. There is however something better for you out there, you’ve just got to have courage.