Being in the situation of having to admit “My best friend slept with my crush” is a lot more common than most people realise. It’s surprising because you’d think something that’s a big part of the bro-code wouldn’t get broken so often, but it does, and it can elicit the same reactions as being cheated on.

Harriet looking confused and also a little anoyyed

I asked on twitter if anyone had ever had a friend sleep with someone they had a crush on, and a large number of people replied yes, they had. Although more men replied, there were also a few girls who admitted to this happening.

The feeling of anger and resentment can be very common in people who have had this happen to them. Your immediate reaction is to be angry at your friend for betraying you, or taking something you wanted. Kids have this same response if their friend takes the toy they wanted or the cake they wanted before them. You think “I had dibs first” and “You broke the bro-code” but I think it really depends on the situation.

First of all, did you friend actually know you liked the girl, and to what extent you were serious about it. For instance, if you had just said in passing, or made jokes hinting to how much you liked her, then you friend might not have realised it would be a big deal to you. If however you’ve been confiding in your friend for weeks about how much you fantasise and adore this girl, then it’s a completely different situation.

Secondly, did the crush know you liked them? It can feel really strange when you’ve harboured a long time crush on someone, because you fantasise about them all the time and you notice them all the time. In your head, you’re practically in a relationship already, and you build up something – however it’s completely one sided. If the crush doesn’t know your feelings towards them, then you can’t blame or be upset at them getting together with someone else.

Depending on the situation, your reactions could be completely justified or simply unfair. You have to take into consideration the fact you haven’t made a move on your crush, and someone else beat you to it. You liking someone doesn’t mean no one else is allowed to like them.

As for how it affects the friendship, you’ll have to talk to each other and try and understand it from each other’s perspective. You can explain to your friend why you’re hurt by it, and maybe they really had no clue. Otherwise, maybe you’ll come to realise that your friend deserved to be with them just as much as you did. If you can’t resolve it as friends, then it meant that friendship probably wasn’t worth it.

Of course, if you miss out on a chance to be with your crush, it doesn’t mean you’ve missed out on your chance at love. It’s easy to fantasise about how amazing it would have been with them, how perfect they are, but that’s because you’d never to know. Since they’re now unavailable to you, you remember them more desirable than they might have been originally. But “the one that got away” is never the perfect being, and you might have dodged a bullet!

Finally, decide if maybe what happened was for the best. You can of course be angry and hurt, but sometimes it’s not about the world and everyone being out to get you. If you’re a real friend, and you think your friend cared/deserved the girl, then you should try and be supportive about it. It’s hard to admit because it hurts your own pride and ego, but sometimes you just have to let it go.