Round two of Cookie Questions! This is a very interesting question actually, I think all of us have been at this stage, probably more than once. That one friend you’ve known forever, and at some point in your friendship you realise you like them in that way, but what do you do? Take the leap to ask them out, because they may be the very best thing to happen to you ever, but risk the friendship you already have? It’s a real fear, and no one should feel silly if they realise they want to ask a girl friend out.
The first time I had this happen, and really the only time, was when I was in high school and I realised one day that my bestfriend Natasha was really beautiful. Not in a super model way, in fact, she was very curvy, but whenever she smiled my tummy would do this weird back-flip thing. We had been friends for a couple of years and we were really, really close. It was a little different of course, because for me that’s also the moment I realised I was into girls as well as guys. I’d had sleepovers with her, and we’d hold hands or link arms a lot, but I never thought of it in an over sexual way. Instead it was just warm and comforting.
This is an important note to make. I think when it comes to people you’ve known for a while, someone close you’d call friend, then people have to make the distinct differentiation that they like the other person for more reasons that sex. Like they’d feel guilty or ashamed if people thought otherwise.
Don’t be ashamed or guilty for being attracted to someone. Even if they’ve been you’re friend for a long time.
There’s no saying that as soon as we meet someone we’ll be completely attracted to them. That their body and ours will start sending crazy chemical signals and you’ll want to take them up against the wall. Scientifically (I read this on the internet so it must be true) it’s been found that our bodies actually change and adapt the pheromones and chemicals we send off to certain people after long term exposure. The human body is an amazing thing. That’s why people can grow on you. But in terms of a relationship, why should you ever feel ashamed or guilty about lusting after your partner? It’s a compliment. Ah but of course, don’t let that get to your head to quickly, there is such a thing as unwanted attention!
That’s where our dilemma really comes in. What if she doesn’t feel the same way about me? What if she says no? What if I make a fool of myself and ruin our friendship and all our mutual friends will point and laugh at me and I’ll be alone for the rest of my life?
That’s a lot of what ifs. But they’re all totally, completely understandable fears. The first question you should ask yourself is how much do I really like her?
For example, has it been a while since you’ve had a date, or girlfriend? Or have you just had a string of relationships that haven’t worked out? Or too many one night stands with women who’s names you can’t remember. Maybe this friend has been the only stable female that isn’t related to you that you’ve really been in contact for a while. It’s very easy to develop feelings for someone you spend a lot of time with. Not to say how you feel isn’t completely legitimate, but sometimes thinking you like someone is just an easy way out. So that you don’t feels lonely. Because they have always been there for you. So how much do you like this girl? And how long have you liked her for?
For me with Natasha, I actually wrote down a list of all the things I liked about her. This might seem like a rather long way to go about things, but I was also making sure i really did have a crush on a girl at the time. I wrote a list of all the things that made me think i liked her more than a friend, and I read and re-read that list, and really thought about it. About the implications confessing my feelings would be, and it was only when I realised that I really did care about her, that my feelings were such that I felt i couldn’t not tell her that I made a plan to ask her out.
Making a list is a really great way to sort out your thoughts. It helps with tackling the fear as well. So then once you’ve decided that yes, I really do want to ask this girl out, you go onto making a plan.
There’s no hard and fast rule for The Plan. A lot of the time it’ll depend on how you know her. Here’s some examples.
- Is she the kind that’s very laid back, one of the guys so to speak? Kind of straight forward and down to earth? In this situation I’d just be upfront about it. Maybe take her out to a bar sometime, a really casual setting. Over some drinks just mention that you like her, a lot. Describe your feelings, but don’t be too clingy. It just takes a little bit of courage, but don’t over crowd her with the setting or the confession.
- Is she a very girly girl? Into fashion and make up, likes to drink decaf soy caramel lattes and listens to Ben Howard or Passion Pit? Take her to a nice cafe, somewhere kind of hipster. Dress up a little, something quirky and also hipster, maybe buy a copy of QG for some pointers. Bring a bunch of flowers, not roses, but instead something modest and cute. Really express yourself to her, especially mentioning how beautiful you think she is. Ask her out, maybe even going down on one knee with the flowers. Make it fun. Again, this just takes a bit of courage.
- Is she just cool? A bit of everything? Girly, but into things like Games of Thrones and knows how to play CoD? Likes nailpolish but paints skulls? Kind of alternative and has an attitude that matches her ripped jeans? Then you should probably give up. Only joking! No again, just tell her how you feel. The thing that’s been a running theme is making sure the girl is in an environment that she likes, and feels comfortable in. You have to make sure no matter what the answer is, you’re not somewhere that will feel very awkward afterwards. Maybe go to a concert and tell her afterwards? She’s you’re friend you should know her well enough to plan these things.
But always remember to be yourself. People can be very tempted to change themselves into the type they think their friend likes. You shouldn’t do this, because it’s that’s not you then it’s not going to work. If she’s going to like you back, then she’s going to like you back for all the reasons that make you, you. Being honest and upfront about your feelings is the best way to go. If you think doing something a with a bit more romance then just watch a couple of chick flicks to get the idea. They may seem silly but girls love that stuff.
But what if she rejects me?
Natasha rejected me. She wasn’t into girls. But that didn’t make things awkward. It only becomes awkward if you make it so. We were still close, and it was much easier for me knowing that I had at least told her my feelings, I could work on getting over her after that. Actually, when I confessed my feelings for her, I had bought a ring and went down on one knee. We still laugh about that sometimes. But we were close friends enough to want to continue our friendship. I realised afterwards that all those fears I had before were silly, because I should have trusted in our friendship and in her to, that we’d both not want to lose it.
I’m sure it doesn’t always end up that way. Sometimes it will get awkward afterwards to the point that you don’t see the person as much anymore, that you avoid them and soon you’re not seeing them at all. But if you miss them then say so, say you miss your friendship. But maybe you’ll realise that you don’t actually miss them, and you’ll make new friends too. It’s a big world out there, and you’ll never find anything unless you look for it. Courage and honest is all you need.
If you have any follow up questions then please feel free to ask me, and good luck!