Top 10 lists are very popular and I saw the “Top 10 places to have sex” come up whilst browsing through Cosmopolitan. Obviously I give Cosmopolitan that much faith in the first place, but a quick google search showed me that a lot of people had ideas of where the best places to have sex are. Call me prudish but I kept coming up with reasons why I didn’t want to have sex there!
10) In the Laundry Room / On top of the washing machine – My washing machine is in the kitchen, and under a counter, so really, I’d just be having sex in the kitchen. They also suggest doing it whilst the machine is on, because the vibrations will feel great, but I can’t help but think the game of “put the penis in the vagina” is hard enough without adding a moving surface to the equation. Also my legs would get pins and needles like crazy.
9) In your parent’s bedroom – Excuse me? Seriously? Do you change the sheets first? Do you change them afterwards? Because if not, that is highly gross. Your parents slept there! They probably had sex there also, and there’s all sorts of body fluids like sweat just flying about… And if you did change the sheets before and after, that seems like a lot of trouble.
8) In a tent – I get it, camping is fun, so camping + sex must be great! However I can’t remember a time when I’ve slept on something that wasn’t super bumpy and uncomfortable whilst camping, so it would be less sex and more “how many bruises can I get on me?”. But more important than the bruises, because I’ll be honest and say if I was super horny I wouldn’t care, is the fact everyone can hear you in a tent. There’s no being sneaky and quiet in a tent. Remember that rustling noise outside you thought might be a bear but actually it was just an ant crawling over a stick? Yeah, everything you do is going to sound like an earthquake. Plus you might attract bears.
7) At a park – This one was actually vague enough so that I could say, yes, I would totally consider having sex in a park. Not a kid’s park, because I personally feel that’s wrong and if I ever have kids and took them to a play park, I would hate to think “Yup, people have sex in that tunnel my kids just crawled into.” But a nice big national park? How could you not want to have sex there? Big spaces, if you find the right spot, no chance of someone walking by unexpectedly, right in the middle of nature. Perfect.
6) On the kitchen table – Ok so they do cover the kitchen, and I’m guessing by kitchen table they mean counter, because no way does my kitchen have space for a table in the middle. Sex in the kitchen seems fine, only it would have to be really clean, and I would have to wipe everything down afterwards so that I can cook my dinner without worrying about leftover semen.
5) In the woods – where every horror film is set ever. But seriously, I think having sex in the woods is fine. I just wish people would be more considerate about girls though, for instance, no I don’t want to back up against hard bark and have you hump me against it like you were rubbing sandpaper.
4) In the pool / body of water – Water washes away natural lubricants and that does not make for fun sex. I can just about cope with sex in the shower because not everything is washed away. A pool however, well, that would suck. Also when would you get a pool to yourself? I would however consider a hot tub, on the condition it’s not my hot tub.
3) In your childhood bedroom – I moved around so much I don’t think I have a childhood bedroom. Plus I often shared my room with various cousins, so no, I can’t really do this one. His childhood bedroom? Well it’ll just be another bedroom so I have no complaints.
2) In a car – Doing it in the back of a car is actually on my sexual bucket list. It’s always done in movies, that scene in Titanic for instance,and it’s got the thrill of doing it in public whilst still being in private. I have no doubt however that it would be uncomfortable and depending on the upholstery, unhygienic.
1) In the shower/ bathtub – Showers just about work, if you ignore the water running into your eyes and mouth, don’t slip and break your back and have enough natural lubrication that the water doesn’t wash it all away making it feel like grinding sandpaper. Baths on the other hand make for messy splashing and weird rhythms. They are however my favourite place to give a footjob, and my least favourite place to give a blowjob on the account of that feeling like waterboarding.