Verity Strict is a professional dominatrix and webcam and TV babe-show girl from the UK. In her new weekly column ‘Ask a Domme’ Verity will be our very own saucy agony aunt. She will navigate you through often confusing world of kink, help you with your relationship problems and be there to answer all those burning questions you’ve always wanted to ask a dominatrix.
No matter how hard I try I feel like I cannot be a good BDSM slave, what should I do?
Amir, London, UK
The key to any successful Dominant/submissive relationship is communication. Both parties have a mutual responsibility to carry this out. Rather than launching straight into the unknown, try asking what you partner wants in order to fulfill their needs and desires.
It is impossible to serve someone without clear instructions about what they are trying to get out of you.
It is also a necessity to consider your own limits when acting as a slave. For example, if your dominant partner would like to tie you up, but this is a massive turn off for you, you need to be open about how this would make you feel uncomfortable. Having limitations does not make you a bad slave, in fact it makes you quite the opposite.
Being honest about what you can offer as a slave means that your dominant knows exactly how they can push you, as though we dominant souls have many talents, telepathy is not one of them, however contrary to the scenario it may seem.
I traditionally get my slaves to write three lists for me: their turn on/reward list, their acceptable punishment list, and their hard limit list.
Not only does paperwork deeply arouse me, but it serves a distinct purpose. If I know what makes my slaves happy, I know how to encourage them to behave in the way I want them to. If I know how to punish them when they are behaving undesirably, I can do so within safe limits and make sure I get my point across whilst refraining from scaring them off forever.
Hard limits refer to the absolute no-go areas for my slaves. For example, if cross-dressing made it to the list for one of my male slaves, I would know that I should avoid buying those pink silky knickers for him to wear or else I shall find myself without a slave at all.
If in doubt, just remember that your partner should be just as concerned about being a good Dominant as you are a slave, and the only way to make sure that you are delivering what the other needs is to talk it out.
What if I forget the safeword?
Ethan, New York, USA
Then you must resign yourself to your fate. You’re in bat(tered) country now. In all honesty, a safeword should be treated like any password. Specific to you and easy to remember.
However having been guilty of losing that grubby bit of paper you scribbled the new password, on we should all have the chance to reset. If you were to start saying “safeword”, then unless your partner is completely ignorant to your needs or ranks up with American Psycho’s Patrick Bateman in terms of sociopathy, they should stop whatever they are doing and break the play ‘scene’.
It is a mistaken belief that a safeword is something that comes into regular use during BDSM play. The whole idea is that it is intended as a last resort, meaning that you should not be forced to use it at all.
It is not a dominant partner’s job to push you to your safeword level. They should be reading your behaviour and reactions throughout the whole session. This is all supposed to be fun and not harmful.
Safewords are most likely to be used during any sort of contact play or corporal punishment play, for example, spanking.
During these sessions, I always take care to half the level of force I think I should initially go in with, then gradually increase as we go and I work out what my partner can genuinely handle. At this point, pain can be sexy. However everyone eventually reaches their threshold and suddenly that pain you thought was getting your partner hot under the collar is not sexy any more. It’s just painful.
At this stage, it really is up to your dominant partner to read your signals. You should be able to trust that they are aware of your boundaries and know that they can flirt with pushing them, but know exactly where to stop before breaking them.
You could also try rehearsing your safeword before you start playing, or if all else fails and you have a memory like a sieve due to play induced bliss, you could always pull a Marlon Brando and write it somewhere in the room on a sticky note. Good luck.
Do people who like BDSM have some mental disorder?
Nick, Grimsby, UK
Oh dear, there really is such a thing as a stupid question. If we are going to play armchair psychologist, asking this blatantly ridiculous stinker points to you having masochistic tendencies, as you must clearly be aware that you are going to get a dressing down for it.
People who like BDSM are just as likely to have a ‘mental disorder’ as any other member of the population, regardless of sexual inclinations. This includes the clan of people who like their sex silent, solely in missionary and with the lights off. Personally, I find that far more mentally distressing than the entire spectrum of experiences that BDSM can offer.
Now, face the wall and say “I’m sorry Mistress”.
My girlfriend and I fantasise about rough sex when we chat. I can do this via SMS but I’m worried she wants to do this in real life too and that’s just not how I am in real life. I’m worried I won’t be able to satisfy her sexually if I’m not more dominant. What should I do?
Curtis, Vancouver, Canada
Through personal experiences of sexting, I can safely say that most people get a little braver with their desires when they know you are reading them off a screen at the other end, rather than having to vocalise them or say them face to face.
People tend to send in the heavies when sexting as when you discuss something intense or graphic, it is easier to imagine what would be happening than if you were discussing a gentler scenario.
However, if you suspect that your girlfriend may want this to happen as a real deal, talk to her about it. Ask what she wants, and she’ll love you all the more for it.
If she isn’t genuinely after rough sex, you can laugh it off together and keep it textual rather than sexual. However, bringing this up in conversation will satisfy your curiosity as to what she’s got on her mind.
If it is not as overwhelming as you initially imagined, perhaps you can reach a compromise as to what would both turn you on and try something new. For example, she wants her hair pulled? Do it softly and make it work for you. You might like it.
However, if you find what you hear a little too much, you need to be honest about it. Talk about all the other things that turn you on that you would like to try with her.
If you have a loving relationship, she is likely to receptive to other things. I am presuming that you are not having rough sex already, so ask her if she is enjoying what you are doing right now and what could make it better.
Domination does not always mean being rough with your partner. It is about taking control and being receptive to their needs. This means that you can be sensual with it.
Perhaps you could take control by tying her up and/or blindfolding her and testing all your favourite sex toys out on her, meaning you get to experiment with domination without compromising who you are as a person. Have fun.
I love roleplay but I always get the giggles. How can I be more serious?
Tommie, Budapest, Hungary
I personally find a ball gag is a fast cure for giggles. Who said roleplay has to be serious? Personally, I think it’s terribly goofy, and I enjoy it because of that. You and your partner are doing this for a bit of fun. You are not auditioning for the Royal Shakespeare Company, you are in your bedroom, or wherever else you might be doing your roleplay, hopefully with the intention of getting your f**k on. Lighten up!