If you’re wondering how to tell a girl you don’t want sex without hurting her feelings, we’ve written this article just for you. We know it can be hard to get your point across without it going badly. Nobody wants to feel rejected but you can’t always have sex on demand or maybe just don’t fancy her the way she likes you.
Trying to find the best way to tell her that though is difficult and sometimes it seems outright impossible. Sex is a personal choice. Whether you’re in a regular established relationship or still in the early stages, there are times when you might just not be in the mood. It’s not that you don’t find her attractive but just that you’re not interested tonight for whatever reason.
You’d think it would be fairly straight forward to just tell a girl this. But sadly sometimes it’s easy to say something but she’ll take it the wrong way. Balancing the fine line between getting your point across and not hurting her feelings is tricky. Because if you say it too subtly, she might not get the message at all or worse may think that you’re rejecting her completely rather than just wanting to leave sex off the menu tonight.
Why you don’t want sex
There’s so many reasons why you might not want to have sex. Both you and her are entitled to decline frisky business if you’re not in the mood. But sometimes understanding why you don’t want to have sex with her can help you find a way to tell her that without hurting her feelings.
If you’re tired, it’s often simpler to just say it. It’s not an excuse to be a bit too tired to raise a trouser snake. Just being honest about it and saying, ‘Babe you know I’d like to but I’m knackered, can we just cuddle instead’ can help reassure her you find her sexy but are just worn out.
In comparison, if you just say, ‘I don’t want it tonight’ this can leave too much unsaid. Where men might think it’s an adequate thing to say, women often want an explanation. Insecurities can brew in the not knowing and your girl could get upset if she feels rejected.
Being real with yourself about why you don’t want to have sex can help you avoid hurting her. If you realise that maybe there’s something bothering you about sex that’s killing your mood, you can then try and address that issue. Whether that’s lacking in self confidence or perhaps wanting to have a different kind of sexual experience with her to what’s normal.
How to tell a girl you don’t want sex and stay honest
Being honest is always best. We all know what it’s like to be lied to and the way it makes you feel. You don’t want to make her feel fobbed off or offended. Depending on why you don’t want to have sex with her, you need to balance honesty with being sensitive.
If you’re just tired from work or perhaps just don’t feel in the mood, tell her that. But tell her it nicely. You could say, “No babe I’m not up for it tonight.” Now in theory there’s nothing wrong with this but it can come across a bit blunt.
So instead of being so direct, try something more sensitive like, “You know I love it when we get intimate, I’m just tired tonight and want to give you a good time. How about we have a date night tomorrow?” I tend to call this approach the “shit sandwich,” where you put the negative thing in the middle of two good things.
You can apply this to any scenario. When it comes to sex, you tell her you don’t want to do it but you first give her a compliment (I love it when we get intimate) which boosts her mood before then concluding with another good thing which offers a solution (to bonk tomorrow).
Other reasons for not wanting to have sex
There can be all kinds of reasons why you might not want to have sex. Whether it’s just a one-off thing due to not feeling up to it or if there’s a specific reason. My other half would always decline to get intimate if we had family staying with us due to being worried about privacy.
This can be especially true if you have guests staying, regardless of them being family or friends. Or if you’re staying in a different place to your own like a hostel where privacy might be harder to get. If it’s a one-off event like this with a clear reason, you can tell her.
My fella had no issue saying, “Darling I don’t want your mum to hear us.” Sure it was a bit of a buzzkill as she stayed for a week and he wouldn’t get frisky at all if there was a risk she was still awake. But I understood his reason for wanting to leave it.
When there’s something more serious behind your reason, you may need to think more about how to tell a girl you don’t want to have sex. If it’s due to health concerns, you should try and sit her down to discuss what’s going on before you end up on the spot in the bedroom.
Alternatively if you have worries about your relationship overall or hang ups that you’re keeping quiet about, it’s better to share them. Everyone knows that we all go through struggles, whether it’s lacking in confidence, having a low libido or maybe struggling to connect to your partner.
It’s perfectly okay to feel uncertain at times but finding a way to talk will help you beat it.
What if you end up hurting her feelings?
So many friends have told me about times when their boyfriend has hurt their feelings. The majority of the time he didn’t do it deliberately but just misunderstood or was insensitive. When you’re deciding how to tell a girl you don’t want to have sex, think about her reaction.
Some girls will be upset and feel rejected regardless of how nicely you put it. Which is where using the “shit sandwich” example can help more. By presenting your reason for wanting to abstain alongside a positive thing like a compliment and a solution for the future, it helps to reassure her that you’re not rejecting her.
Women can get anxious and insecure about things in a different way to men. If you don’t want sex, it may make her worry that you don’t find her attractive or that there’s something wrong with your relationship.
To help avoid hurting her feelings, try and tailor the situation to her. If she’s confident in herself and your relationship, it might be easy to say “Let’s skip tonight” without issue. Assuming you can speak in person rather than being by message, affection can help.
Think how you would feel if she avoided all physical contact or affection. You could feel rejected if she keeps a distance from you and be hurt. You don’t have to stop affection just because you don’t want to have sex. Finding a balance can help.
Ignoring the problem
Sometimes avoiding discussing the issue at hand just makes the problem worse. Rather than tackling the issue head on, sometimes we ignore small things which end up growing into something bigger.
If you struggle with attraction or connection to your partner, finding ways to reconnect can help solve the issues. But to do so, you need to be honest with yourself and with her. Maybe she’s bad in bed but you don’t know how to tell her without hurting her feelings.
Whatever the reason, if you ignore the problem, it’s unlikely to go away by itself. It can be hard the first time but she’ll appreciate your kindness and honesty. Hopefully, this article helped you figure out how to tell a girl you don’t want sex. Have you ever been in a situation like that?